1. That show you like? Unless it involves people being voted off every week, it won’t be on next season.

  2. We know it took you a half an hour to ‘mess up’ your hair this morning.

  3. Unless you already work for NASA, right now, today - you’re never going to be an Astronaut.

  4. No one reads your blog1.

  5. Putting in an energy saving bulb isn’t going to offset your pollution while you’re CEO of an oil company.

  6. There is no way all 415 of them are actually your friends.

  7. Sometimes in the night, when it does get a little lonely, I reach over and touch it. Then it doesn’t feel so lonely anymore2.

  8. If you don’t like your job, SUCK IT UP! A lot of people hate their jobs but do it anyway. Or alternatively, find a better job that makes you feel more fulfilled. Whatever suits your circumstances.

  9. Your Asian tattoo does not - I repeat DOES NOT - make you seem deep. However, your barbed wire tattoo does succeed in making you look like a dick.

  10. You probably aren’t as ugly as you think you are. Unless you’re very attractive and know it. In that case it’s likely that you’re a teensy bit less pretty than you like to think.

Special thanks to my co-author Carlynne Nunn. This sucked until she fixed it.

  1. Oh. Fuck ↩︎

  2. Sorry, somehow this got mixed in from my top 10 worst movie quotes of all time. ↩︎